The night rantings

Its 6.10 freaking am right now. No, I did not just woke up. I am going to bed for I spent the whole night working on my take home exam for Managing service businesses. It was all in an effort to complete my work schedule. I have 2 take home exams and 1 paper this term. But only six days. So its a tight two days per exam. Oh gosh, I am so tired. Lets hope when I look back at the posts sometime in the future I will be saying that its all worth it. Worth it for sleeping for a couple of hours at 5, 6 am for the past four days. But 3 more days and I be done. 5 more to home!!!! sleepy..........

I think this period of my moodiness is due to the lack of milestones.Significant milestones.As a young being, one has many fixed and important milestones.They are called the major exams, which are part of a highly structured education system.The plan is is clear and simple.Clear this milestone and move onto the next one.It is also clear that if you can clear this milestone, there will be the next one waiting for you. With this certainty, you then easily understand and accept why you need to clear the current milestone. When the current milestone gets too tough, you seek comfort in the usefulness of clearing it, i.e. to get to the next one.There is Structure.There is Order.And you believe in and subscribe to it.But as soon as one clears these early milestones, Life's journey become hazy.One is now free to fix his own milestones.But these are not mandatory.To make things worse, the outcome can hardly be controlled.Love is not a given.Marriage is not a given.Child-rearing is not a given.Job promotion is not a given.Job is not a given.Nothing is predictable anymore.There is nothing to believe in anymore.For a being who is used to the concept of having definite milestones and clearing them in anticipation of the next, adulthood becomes difficult to handle.One starts to feel alienated.Dislocated from one's familiar millieu.Perhaps the next milestone is to accept that there will not be any more fixed milestones. That this is the New Order.Perhaps that's why I have found and continue to find going back to school so appealing. Accumulation of knowledge gratifies me, especially the learning.I only have to make one decision to get back to school.Then school will keep me occupied for the next 15 months.I don't have to worry about what I have to do.I just have to do it. Knowledge Sponge. And going to the fourth quarter, its another search for milestones to clear......

Self-doubt is the mother of your own destruction. But there are some that say new beginnings start with destruction... It is the one feeling that I find it hard to control nowadays.

Reflecting on what my friend told me that I am a sucker for punishment. Why am I pursuing employment when I can be my own boss? The reason is because I want to be the master of my own destiny. Is it too idealistic and am I a fool?

I will do what I can and hope that things fall in place. Thats the beauty of life. You do not always reach and get what you plan for and there may be unexpected gains or losses. Bring it on!!!